What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

We were not on the streets..

(And it was in our own minds.)

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

What can I say to a scammer who thinks he loves me, but I don't want to be scammed?

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

He resisted the act ,that day.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Put me off passion for life!!

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I was scared of men, in general

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

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My life is so biszare .

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

She wouldn,t have been !

My mum and dad in the seventies!

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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

But, we were locked up after school.

I feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me. Why?

What did i know ?

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

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But ive been too sick for many years..

One cannot live in the past .

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

We all went to grammer schools

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I was very sick at this time too.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I never cut or harmed myself..

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

He was dying to do it , i knew.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Im still living with it.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I was seconnd youngest,

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

This is soul school!.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

And who doesn’t know suffering?

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I have no regrets .

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I said to her

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

So, i spoilt her more .

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Comes on , in middle age.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

All the time i was locked up.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

She loved him until the end.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I could never make a relationship work though!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

So whats the point in blame.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I don,t even have a pension.

She was in good health!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Who then, do I blame.?

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Would this be the day?

When she asked me how she looked .

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

As i do to all so called friends.?

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

My family never makes their pension either.

It was going to be , some day.

Ive learnt so much.

Especially a lifetime of it.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I think the readers, may guess!

But it wasn’t much.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I waited trembling.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I write beautiful poetry .

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I couldn’t, believe it.

She found it foreign!.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

He knew the spot.

I was 9 years of age.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Why did i forgive my father ?

She married twice! .

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

And i lived it daily.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I will be 64.